I was 38 when my divorce was finalized. This rupture was probably one of the most emotionally painful events in my life. It was akin to the mourning one might feel when a loved one passes away. But what compounded the pain during the separation and eventual divorce was that this was the busiest time in my life.
I had gotten a full-time job working as a cinematographer for JPMorgan Chase, I was hired to write a feature script that had the potential to be a big film, and I was preparing to direct my first feature. So, while my marriage was coming to an end, I had to somehow push my emotions aside or bury them and delay the mourning process while somehow pushing through to complete the tasks at hand.
We had separated around July 15th. I shot my film around September and delivered the feature script by November. Once all the big projects were behind me, I took a weekend off and went upstate to give myself a much-needed reprieve. Finally, alone I was able to be with my emotions and start the grieving process. I recall walking along the Hudson River on a brisk November day, the sun setting in the horizon and finally allowing myself to cry. I held it all in for almost four months to get through my obligations and now I was able to release what I had bottled in.
It took the better part of a year to get through the grieving process enough to get back to some semblance of normalcy. It wasn’t until around late 2019 when I started exploring dating again. But then Covid happened and that changed everything for me.
The years during the Pandemic uprooted the lives of everyone around the world. Many died or developed long Covid. Many struggled whether financially or emotionally because of the upheaval to economies and societies. I’m not suggesting at all that I had a harder time than anyone else. I just had my own unique experience that shaped me. The years that followed Covid was a strange mix of introspective opportunity and challenging hurdles with my health.
It was February of 2020 when the first health event occurred. I had gotten sick like never before. I remember this was around the time a cruise ship was being held at port to prevent passengers with Covid from spreading the disease in the US and supposedly, there was no Covid yet in the states. But, this wasn’t true. It was already spreading in New York, and I was probably one of the early ones to get it. Never was I so weak in my life. I remember that walking even a block to get to Urgent Care took great effort as I had trouble catching my breath. It took me a few weeks to recover from the infection.
A few months later the next health event occurred. It was summer of 2020, and I had ventured out to Long Island City. During my outing I had gotten three mosquito bites on my left calf. I remember developing big itchy welts, but I didn’t think much of it at the time. However, the next day I awoke with a terrible pain in my lower back and had a very high fever.
At first, I thought it was the flu as my whole body ached. But the next day the pain in my back went up to the base of my skull where the neck meets. I remember feeling this terrible headache at the back of my head. I’ve never had a headache like that in my life. My fever continued for a week. I was almost completely bedridden for two weeks, unable to do more than sleep and basic life functions. I called my doctor’s office for help but during this time you weren’t allowed to come into the office if you had flu-like symptoms for fear of spreading Covid. So, my doctor told me to go get tested for Covid.
During this infection, I started developing strange symptoms. My calves were spasming uncontrollably making walking almost impossible. My hands and feet would toggle between a feeling of prickly needles and a burning sensation. I was confused and couldn’t recall words making talking very challenging. I felt a strange disassociation, like a part of my personality was missing. But, I had bigger concerns. I thought perhaps I was developing MS or Parkinson’s as walking had become incredibly difficult. It felt like I had no control over my legs, the spasming causing my muscles to lock up.
I called the doctor again for help, but he insisted it must be Covid. I tried to explain that it all started with mosquito bites. He insisted that we were in the middle of a pandemic, and it would be almost impossible to get any other disease. He sent me out to get tested for covid three more times. It wasn’t until the fourth time when the results came back negative that he would see me. When he saw me, he sent me to a Rheumatologist thinking that the trouble I had walking was a result of inflammation to my joints or some type of autoimmune reaction stemming from my Crohn’s.
Due to the pandemic, I couldn’t see the Rheumatologist until two months later. When I finally saw the Rheumatologist, I told her all the symptoms and what had happened to me. She said, “You don’t need a Rheumatologist, you need a Neurologist.” She wrote the script and sent me on my way. It took another two months to see the Neurologist.
During the five months it took to get to a Neurologist, it became abundantly clear that it was going to be up to me again to try and fix myself. As soon as the fevers subsided, I started forcing myself to go for daily walks around the block. I started with four blocks a day, and then worked myself up to eight, and then twelve. Regardless how difficult, I pushed myself to walk daily, and each week extended the length of the walks.
I also researched all I could to figure out what the symptoms could be pointing to in terms of a disease. I tried experimenting with different herbs, teas and vitamins and I started noticing patterns. After eating certain foods or taking certain vitamins, it would trigger the spasming in my legs, as well as, tingling/burning sensation in my hands. On top of that, I noticed my breath had become very sulfuric. I discovered a theory about people developing an intolerance to high sulfur foods and vitamins. So, I went on an elimination diet, removing high sulfur foods and supplements from my diet. I finally started seeing progress in my recovery. My spasming started subsiding as well as the sensation in my extremities.
I was finally on the road to recovery. After five months of not knowing definitively what was going on, I finally had my appointment with the neurologist. I explained all my symptoms. The Neurologist had me do some physical tests. And then she explained that I had encephalitis. She said the she couldn’t tell me what caused the encephalitis without doing a spinal tap. But, given that I was already on the road to recovery she didn’t think such an invasive test was justified. She then said that in another month or two I should return to normal and if I don’t, to come back to her. I left her office relieved to finally have some sort of clearer understanding as to the cause of all my symptoms.
It wasn’t long after that when I got my first emotional feeling back. I recall the moment vividly. I was driving to the city, and I got this overwhelming rush of sadness. For the first time in 6 months, I felt sorry for myself because of what I had endured. And then it hit me. The reason I didn’t behave like my normal self. The reason my personage seemed different. What I was missing this whole time was feelings!
What I didn’t say, and what I couldn’t understand at the time, was that through all of this, I had no emotions. I knew there was something different about my personality. I had noticed that I was unmoved by anything. Someone would tell me a joke, and I logically understood it was funny. But I had no impulse to laugh. I would knowingly pretend to laugh to try to act like my normal self. I also recall clearly not feeling a sense of fear or sadness at what I was going through. The Neurologist explained that the inflammation affected my limbic system which is why I had no emotions or desires. Another side effect was I could not get an erection for six months because without desire, there is nothing to trigger the mechanical function.
The experience of being devoid of emotions for six months had a profound impact. It made tangible the notion of identity or self being fully tied to the complete functioning of our organism. There is no separation from who you are and how you behave from your physical brain and body. Also, in a funny way I had gotten what I sought after in my early twenties. Being devoid of emotions, I was like a living robot. I was rational and logical. I understood what was at stake and functioned to fix the problem. While I didn’t experience, anger or fear, the flip side was that I also didn’t experience joy or pleasure. So, I really was numb. And without my emotions, I also lacked drive.
After about six months from the initial disease onset, I began returning to normal. I started returning to my previously active self, incorporating jogging and working out. But that didn’t last long before the next health challenge. Soon after recovering from the encephalitis, I developed a blockage in my small intestines because of my 20 plus years with Crohn’s disease. By March of 2021, I had to do an intestinal resection operation. That operation took several more months to recover from. Then the following year, I discovered I had damaged the cartilage in my hip because of inflammation in the joint. I had to do another surgery to repair the torn labral and I had a stem cell injection, followed by two rounds of PRP injections to help regrow my cartilage. I did a year of physical therapy, acupuncture and other homeopathic therapies to help in the recovery process.
Earlier, I said that my Covid experience was a strange confluence of health challenges mixed with introspective opportunity. During this period of four years or so, I was fortunate in one major way. I was still working as a Cinematographer for JPMorgan Chase. Given that a lot of filming wasn’t happening in person, I was able to work from home for a lot of this period. Being alone gave me a great deal of time to reflect and work on myself.
Having lost my emotional drivers for about six months gave me the unique experience of existing in this numb, logical frame of mind. I was no longer swayed by emotions. Upon regaining my emotional centers, I could now see more clearly the connection between the emotional centers and the logic/reasoning centers of my brain. I could see how they are in constant communication and connection with each other and how one part of the mind activates and can control the other.
As part of my recovery from each health challenge, I made going on daily meditative walks a daily activity. I also returned to my earlier years of training in meditation and Buddhism. I took great pleasure in these meditative walks and gained better mastery over my ability to focus on my breath, or the moment and clear my mind. Given the experience of my food intolerance, I understood viscerally the connection between mind and body. What happens to our bodies, what we put into them will inherently affect the entire system of our organism, and that includes the mind. If your mind is affected it effects your personality, your ability to reason, recall and manage emotions.
Having experienced a slew of hardships in a condensed period, I gained practice in managing my emotions and not reacting immediately. I realized that what happens to you is often out of one’s control, but how you choose to experience it and react to it is completely in one’s control. Knowing that simple fact, means that you are not destined to be reactive to external events.
And as a result of regaining my pleasure centers and regaining my health, I had gained a new appreciation for the meaning of life and my existence. I came to appreciate my organism much more fully, understanding that the body is truly one’s temple. That changed how I view the things that truly bring me joy. Being fully present allows you to experience more deeply the simple pleasures. So today, I no longer seek to find balance between work and pleasure by seeking vices. To me, the things that bring me great pleasure are far simpler; a great cup of green tea, a rich piece of dark chocolate, an amazing sunset, my favorite songs, a deep connection with close friends, and even simply the awareness of breath and the in the moment acknowledgement of existing.
So that is about where I am today in my journey of understanding this existence, or at least my existence. I don’t know if others will be able to relate to my experience, but I still feel compelled to share my experience in the hope that it can resonate with others.
Going forward, I’ll be sharing some of the thoughts and conclusions I’ve come to about life drawing from some of my other life experiences, recent discoveries in science, and philosophical frame works.
So please join me in this quest for understanding.